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I Can’t Look

Note: This email is dictated to Eddie Baran from my bed in New York city.

I’m lying flat on my back with both my eyes closed and

my hands resting on my heart center. I had surgery

this morning for the detached retina of my right eye.

According to the doctor “I did very well.”

This morning I got dressed in a special Zen Master

suit – purple in color – that I have never worn

before. I didn’t know why I brought this suit with me

on this trip, but it is apparent to me now. In the

summer of 1982, some 25 years ago, I was wearing a

purple shirt when a man struck me in the face with a

beer pitcher that sliced open my skin from my forehead

to my neck. I’ll never forget the doctor in emergency

at the University of Iowa hospital who pulled several

shards of glass from my eye, then said: “I think

somebody upstairs was looking out for you. I don’t

know how you can still see.”

Matthew Furey

When Eddie Baran and I got into the taxi this morning to

go to Columbia University Hospital, Eddie pointed to the

name of the driver.

“This guy is a sherpa,” said Eddie.

I said “You mean one of those guides up the Himalayas

in Nepal?”

“I think so,” said Eddie.

I then noted music in the background, a monk’s chant.

I asked the driver “Where are you from?”

“Nepal,” he said.

“Will you do me a favor, please?” I asked. “Can you

turn up the music so I can hear it better? I have eye

surgery today and I’m happy you’re my guide.”

He smiled from ear to ear as he turned up the music. I

closed my eyes and listened all the way to the

hospital.

When we got to the hospital, I asked “How much?”

The sherpa replied “18.95.”

I gave him a 100-dollar bill, thanked him and told him

to keep the change.

Once inside the operating room, Dr. Fine – a fine name

for a surgeon, I think – spent five minutes working on

my left eye with a laser with the intention of

preventing the same detachment. Then he went to town

on my right eye. He began at 11:20 am and finished at

exactly 1:20 pm. He told me we hadn’t put a gas bubble

into your eye and when you come see me tomorrow,

hopefully you won’t have to. I smiled. Then he,

another doctor and Eddie Baran wheeled me into recovery.

Whilst in recovery the nurse told me I had a phone

call.

“On the hospital line?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said. She handed me the phone and I said hello.

“Matthew, it’s Dharma.”

When I heard this good doctor

and spiritual master’s voice I was elated. He may not

dress like you or me, yet he has a heart of gold.

“I tracked you down,” Dharma said.

I said “That, you did.”

Dharma then told me there was “light at the end of the

tunnel.”

I returned to my hotel an hour later with strict

instructions to lie on my back with my eyes closed. No

exercise for 3-4 weeks.

Carol Brown and Eddie informed me that there are

thousands of emails that have poured in from all over

the world. I asked Eddie to read me just one. It is from

a person that I coach who has shown me many

kindnesses. This email filled me with great love and

gratitude. Eddie asked me if I wanted him to continue

with others. I said “I can’t look right now. I can’t

cry right now. And I think many of these emails will

rip my heart out.”

When I get better and am able to read again, I will

treasure every message sent to me. I have asked Carol

to save all, as I am truly honored to hear from you.

About the color purple. After the surgery, as I began

to lie still, I noticed great pain in places I didn’t

have surgery. At first I thought it strange but then I

quickly realized that surgery was doing far more than

reattaching my retina. This surgery has given me an

opportunity to completely heal wounds from the past.

And so I am grateful. Tomorrow at 9 am, I have the

dressing and shield removed from my right eye. I

humbly request that you keep me in mind. All your

thoughts and prayers are welcome.

All for now,

matthew furey

Matthew Furey

Zen Master of the Internet®

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